Within
by eScapefreak
Summary: Six months after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant Kathryn's lack of sleep caused by her indecision over Chakotay leads to a rather interesting morning... AU. Chapter Three - No Expectations.
1. Past

Within

By: eScapefreak

Kathryn's sleep is interrupted by thoughts of Chakotay leaving her restless for a meeting at Star Fleet Headquarters...

This is a Kathryn and Chakotay fic, beginning about six months after Voyager's return to the Alpha quadrant. Once I started writing the story grew exponentially and even ended up having chapters, such an achievement for me! It may help when reading this story to have seen the sixth season episode 'Fair Haven' but it is not strictly necessary to enjoy the story.

N.B. In this story I am assuming that both Neelix and Seven stayed behind in the Delta Quadrant. This just prevents any further complications in the Seven/Chakotay/Kathryn triangle. I can't remember if Naomi Wildman's father was killed on Voyager or left behind on Earth so I went with the latter. I don't know what happens for sure anyway because I am still watching series seven and so have not seen it yet!

Rating: G

This is my fifth published fan fiction, but my first attempt at any Star Trek. All reviews are most welcome.

For: allie34 and neela who both write of Kathryn's love of coffee and Coral whose writing makes me laugh. Thanks for the great stories.

Disclaimer: I own heaps of Star Trek stuff but have no ownership over Voyager's intellectual property. Except for the things in my head I have no control over the characters or the show whatsoever. If I had, this story would not be necessary; they would have been together already! Star Trek: Voyager and its characters were created and controlled by others...

**Within**

Chapter One: Past.

Admiral Kathryn Janeway walked into Conference Room 1 at Star Fleet Headquarters and tossed her padds on the large table. She immediately made her way over to the room's replicator, "Hot coffee, black," she asked it in a weary voice. Later when the meeting began a real pot of coffee would be provided, but for now this would have to suffice. As she took her first invigorating sip she looked over to the pile of padds she had left on the table and sighed. Her sleep the night before had been less than restful. Her thoughts continually straying to the one subject she did not want to think about. Resignedly she pulled herself together. She had a lot of reading to do before the meeting began.

As the effects of the coffee became noticeable Kathryn, slightly more awake walked over and took her seat at the head of the table and began reading through the padds in front of her. Half an hour later she frowned down at the padd in her hand. The situation was much worse than she had previously thought. Many of the Federation's colonies had sub-standard medical facilities and due to the effects of the now over Dominion War essential supplies and basic technology had not been getting through. Today's meeting was to devise a new plan of attack. To supply these colonies with the medicines and technology that was needed to get them up to the usual efficient Federation standard.

Kathryn smiled to herself. The Doctor would love his new posting as Inter-Colony Chief Medical Officer and on their last view screen hook-up the Doctor had not been able to stop talking about his new position and the many plans he had for improvement of procedures and supply transport schedules. As always when embarking on a new project the Doctor had enthusiasm in abounds.

The last six months had been an interesting time for the Voyager crew. Adjusting to life back in the Alpha Quadrant had offered many challenges. The Doctor in particular had faced many confrontations, including the fight with Star Fleet Command to prove his usefulness here in the Alpha Quadrant and stop the permanent de-activation of his program. But when papers about the many medical and holographic related advances the Doctor had made in the Delta Quadrant were published the Federation was swayed to see what an asset the Doctor would be to them. Finally just last month he was given the new post and a much-deserved promotion.

Draining the last of her coffee from the cup Kathryn smiled to herself as she thought of the other members of what she still considered her crew. Tom and B'Elanna were ecstatically happy with their now six-month-old baby daughter Miral and were both working for Star Fleet. With his experience in the design of the Delta Flyer and what he had learned of Borg technology from Seven, Tom was working in ship design, while still going on the occasional mission as a pilot. B'Elanna, believe it or not, was teaching Engineering at Star Fleet Academy. The ex-Marquis was valued very highly among her new academic colleagues for her vast experience and quick mind. Her students loved her as a good humoured (well most of the time) but stern taskmaster who was always willing to help her students. In their last conversation B'Elanna had told Kathryn that Tom and herself were in talks with Star Fleet to begin work on creating the Federation's first trans-warp drive. Kathryn too was excited by the subject, even if she was somewhat jealous of Tom and B'Elanna's involvement in the project. As she stood up to refill her coffee cup Kathryn admitted to herself that was not the only element of Tom and B'Elanna's life that she was envious of, she too would have liked to have been in a loving relationship, to have children...

Returning to the table with her once again replenished cup Kathryn stifled the yawn that was threatening to overtake her. Determined not to dwell on the reason for her sleepless night Kathryn turned her thoughts to another member of her crew. Captain's Assistant Naomi Wildman had settled into life back on Earth better than anyone had ever expected, especially when you considered that she had been born on Voyager. Naomi was top of her class at school and was enjoying very much the time in getting to know her father. She had even hinted to Kathryn that she thought her mother and father may be thinking of having another baby after spending so many years apart. Kathryn was happy for Ensign Samantha Wildman. Sam had gone through a hard time with the birth of her daughter away from her husband in the Delta Quadrant. She deserved all the happiness she could get Kathryn thought to herself with a smile. Naomi had though admitted to Kathryn that she missed Seven and Neelix, they had been her closest friends and she was finding it hard to adjust to life without them.

'Seven and Neelix, the ones we left behind,' Kathryn mused to herself. She too missed these people who had become such an integral part of their daily lives out in the Delta Quadrant. Neelix always near with a gentle word, a kind ear or a pot of coffee in times of stress. The Moral Officer and unofficial Ambassador had been instrumental in the crew's mission to get home. 'Though if I never eat Leola Root Stew again it will be too soon', Kathryn thought wryly. And Seven the Borg Drone who had regained her humanity. In her struggle to become human again Seven had taught them all about their own humanity. Helping Seven learn and grow as a person was one of the biggest achievements in Kathryn's life, she was so proud of what the Borg had become. Part of this was letting Seven go, to find her own life away from the influence of Voyager's crew. Seven's contribution to Voyager's early arrival back in the Alpha Quadrant was so huge that even if she was here with them today Kathryn could never thank her enough for the number of times she had saved them from certain death or brought them closer to home. They would all be in Seven's debt forever. Kathryn just hoped that Seven realised how much the rest of the crew, especially herself loved and admired her.

'Harry Kim,' thought Kathryn. The always unlucky in love Ensign had met his match on the day after he had returned to Earth and after a beautiful wedding just a week ago was now on a month long honeymoon on Reisa with his new bride. On his return Harry now a Lieutenant would take up his post on the new starship Tranquillity, which was based at Star Fleet Headquarters here in San Francisco. She thought back to the young Ensign on his first posting on Voyager. He had been so keen, inexperienced and slightly naïve, but had proved himself many times over the years as a competent bridge officer. Kathryn's smile returned as she thought 'Great things will come from Harry Kim, mark my words'.

"Speaking of great things" Kathryn murmured as she took another sip of the now lukewarm coffee. Among the padds scattered on the table was a letter from Tuvok on Vulcan. Her dear friend wrote often and was enjoying his life back on Vulcan with his wife and the continuation of his Star Fleet duties. Well as much as a Vulcan could 'enjoy' life. As Voyager's Security Officer Tuvok had to do almost as much paperwork on return to the Alpha Quadrant as her Captain, but Tuvok was now settling in to his new position as Captain of the Vulcan ship appropriately named Logic. He was appreciating the new challenge and wrote that he found his new role 'stimulating'. 'Live long and prosper', Kathryn thought smiling as she took a moment to think of her remaining crew, both here and gone, Kes, Ayala, Vorek, the Delaney twins, Carey, Chell, Icheb... every member of her crew had a special place in her heart...

'Ah, Chakotay... always Chakotay', her First Officer, her confidante, her friend, her...

"No time to dwell on the past, time to get back to work". Kathryn spoke forcefully to herself as if a stern lecture would make her forget the indecision that had given her such a sleepless night. All of her thoughts had been on Chakotay and why she had let him go, what they could have had together. She now realised that she had loved him all along. Why had she let him leave? Why hadn't she gone after him? Even now why was she still sitting here when Chakotay could fulfil all of her dreams... friend, lover, family.

"No"! Kathryn said to herself, "Now is not the time". With that she cast all thoughts of her love out of her mind and picked up the last padd from her pile. 'Just time to read this one last statistical report before the meeting begins', Kathryn thought once again all business and decorum, the essence of the Star Fleet Captain and now Admiral the role she had played for more than seven years. Soon the catering staff would bring in the coffee, tea and breakfast Danishes for the 0900hrs start of the meeting.

The End of Chapter One – Past.

_A/N: Stay tuned for Within Chapter Two – So Simple where Kathryn gets an unexpected visitor, hopefully coming soon. All comments most welcome._

_Remember to keep reaching for the stars._

_eScapefreak._


	2. So Simple

Within

By: eScapefreak

Kathryn has an encounter with someone from her past that has something he wants to say...

Thanks for the reviews. I hope this lives up to your expectations!

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own heaps of Star Trek stuff but have no ownership over Voyager's intellectual property. Except for the things in my head I have no control over the characters or the show whatsoever. If I had, this story would not be necessary; they would have been together already! Star Trek: Voyager and its characters were created and controlled by others...

**Within**

Chapter Two: So Simple.

The conference room door chirped. Kathryn instantly sat up straighter and put the patented Star Fleet Admiral expression on her face. "Come," she said to the still closed door. Kathryn had no idea who could be on the other side of the door, but in those few seconds really did not have time to question it. 'Probably a junior officer still slightly hesitant to approach me,' Kathryn thought to herself with a grin in the microseconds before the door to the conference room swished open. After all she had a fierce reputation, but the conference room was a public area at Star Fleet Headquarters so there was no need to ask permission to enter unless a conference or important meeting was in progress.

The doors opened and a man stepped in. The expression of Admiralty decorum instantly left Kathryn's face and was replaced instead with a look of abject shock, her mouth hung open and her eyes remained glued to the man just inside the doorway. For a second her heart slowed and just as quickly started pounding in her chest. The man was dressed in trousers and a button down shirt, with brown hair and a two-day growth. He was an educated man who was inquisitive about the world around him, who had spirit. A man whose parameters had been changed to make him 3cms taller than his original programming.

For a moment the man just stared back at her, a small smile touching his lips. Then he simply said her name, "Katie."

"Michael... Michael Sullivan," Kathryn returned still unable to banish the look of utter disbelief from her face. "How, why?" Kathryn muttered to herself.

"Katie, Katie O'Claire, oh lass, I've been looking for you for a long time". Michael said looking deeply into her eyes.

Kathryn turned away from the man standing inside the door. Her mind was spinning. She had to take a moment to gather her thoughts. 'How was this possible? He's a hologram he is not real. Maybe...' Kathryn snuck a glance over her shoulder to check for a Mobile Emitter. As she scanned his form for the emitter she realised how attractive she still found him, not a touch on Chakotay, but still. 'Hang on wait a moment, what am I thinking? I must be hallucinating?' Kathryn thought wildly to herself. 'No sign of the Mobile Emitter and that physical comparison between Michael and Chakotay, something is definitely wrong. Maybe something is wrong with the replicator and I have been drinking poisoned coffee?' Kathryn thought as by reflex she reached over to the now empty coffee cup instinctively seeking to calm her nerves with a hit of caffeine. Clutching the empty cup Kathryn took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her still racing heart and turned around to face Michael Sullivan hologram from the 'Fair Haven' program created by Tom Paris and previously her lover.

"Hello Michael," Kathryn said quite proud of the level timbre of her voice.

"Katie, I've been looking all over for you and now I have finally found you! " Michael exclaimed with a huge grin on his face as he walked forward and took the empty cup from her and placed it on the table. Michael reached out to grasp Kathryn's hands in his. "My Katie, these hands of yours are mighty cold," he said while rubbing both of her hands within his own.

In the midst of this exchange Kathryn's mind was again racing. She had to think of something to say. What should she ask him first, how he was here or why? "Michael, it is wonderful to see you again, but I don't quite understand," Kathryn countered, 'in more ways than one,' she thought to herself. "Why are you here?" she asked.

Michael tightened his grip on Kathryn's hands and said, "I've got something to tell you. But before we get to that I have to tell you how I came to be here with you. Do you remember the day we went on our picnic Katie?" Michael asked quietly.

A myriad of images flew through Kathryn's mind as she cast her thoughts back to that day she had spent with Michael in the hills of Fair Haven. Every detail of that day was crystal clear in her mind. The invigorating feeling of the walk up the hillside from the village. The simple but delicious picnic lunch the two of them shared in the long green grass of the hillside. And when they had finished eating the way they made love on the picnic blanket surrounded by the tall grasses of the gentle slope. The way if only for a moment she had let her inhibitions fall to the wayside and for the first time in six years she had acted totally as a woman, with desires and needs. Although she had still kept her keenest desire deep within herself this had been a defining moment for Kathryn. It was proof that she was more than the Star Fleet Captain, the role that she had to assume constantly since Voyager had left the Alpha Quadrant, with the exception of those few too short weeks she had spent on New Earth with Chakotay. It was proof that she was still able to act with passion, to give and receive pleasure in a sensual way, to be a lover, not just the woman who stood apart from the one she loved for the well being of her crew. This was the part of herself Kathryn had been unable to reach for so long and she had been beginning to wonder if she was even capable of such emotions anymore. She had kept so much suppressed, hidden, especially from the man who had spent so much time by her side. The man who meant so much to her, he was her keenest desire...'Chakotay.' The sudden change in her train of thought from Michael to Chakotay shook Kathryn out of her dazed state of remembrance and she turned to answer Michael's question.

"Yes, I remember," Kathryn replied with a slight blush to her cheeks.

Michael remembered that day too. How when he had woken from his slumber on the hillside Katie had been gone. How he had gone back down to the pub and waited in vain for her to return. The pain she had caused him... But that was past. He was not here for himself. He was here for something much more important, Kathryn's future.

"Remember before we went on our picnic Katie," Michael questioned. "We met your friend from the ship on the street. The one with the tattoo, Chakotay I think his name was," Michael finished.

"Yes I remember speaking with Chakotay on that day," Kathryn replied with a slightly curious expression on her face. "But what does that have to do with why you are here Michael?" Kathryn queried.

"Ah Katie, now that is a long story and we will get to that, but first let me tell you how I came to be here today," Michael sidestepped.

"Remember the storm that hit Fair Haven," Michael paused as Kathryn gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. "Well it was after that it all became clear to me," Michael went on.

"Maybe we should sit down before I go on," Michael asked leading Kathryn over to one of the chairs along the side of the conference room table and as she was seated quickly sat in the chair next to her, turning his chair to face hers.

"It was after that storm that I found out that I was not real, that Fair Haven was not real, well at least not in the context that I believed it to be, that it, all of it, including me were holograms!" Michael exclaimed.

Kathryn nodded at Michael's explanation, "I thought it might have been something like that when I first saw you," Kathryn replied. 'Maybe they have fitted this conference room with holo-emitters,' Kathryn thought to herself. Sensing that Michael had more to say Kathryn paused, "Go on," she said.

"Well after the storm I believe 'the program' needed to be repaired." Michael began. "The repairer turned out to be Tom Paris, he told me he was part of your crew, a Lieutenant, I think he said. Well at first I was all 'well I never' and then Tom began to explain things to me. How you were the Captain of this spaceship named Voyager and that you were far from home. He told me how you were constantly working to get them home. How you never gave up, always working towards that one goal, getting your crew home." Michael leaned back in his chair and smiled thoughtfully at his friend. "He also told me about what you sacrificed," he went on, "What you gave up for them. He told me about Chakotay..."

Kathryn averted her eyes for a second then looked back at Michael. "What about him...He was my First Officer. I was his Captain." She replied purposely ignoring the point she thought that Michael was trying to make.

"He was more than that?" Michael countered encouragingly.

"He was my friend!" Kathryn shot back defensively, hoping that Michael would just leave it alone. "What does he have to do with the reason you are here anyway?

"Oh everything Katie, everything." Michael replied calmly.

By now Kathryn had risen from her chair and was pacing a small path back and forth in front of the conference room doors. She now decided to use a different tactic, 'maybe Tom has not told Michael what I think he told him.' Kathryn thought. "So what exactly did Tom tell you about Chakotay?" Kathryn asked standing to face the hologram.

Michael still sitting at the conference table looked up at Kathryn and searching her eyes replied, "That Chakotay loved you and that you loved him."

Kathryn let out a small gasp before she regained her composure. Just what had her crew known about her feelings for Chakotay? 'Did they actually discuss it amongst themselves?' she frantically thought to herself. "Lieutenant Paris had no right to speak of my private life with you!" Kathryn burst out angrily.

"That may well be lass," Michael countered. "But that is not the point. The point," he continued, "is whether it is true. Do you love Chakotay?"

For a moment Kathryn stilled and closed her eyes and thought, 'Such a simple question, the answer just as simple, but then it gets complicated.' Images and feelings flooded her mind. The love she felt for Chakotay, the pain from constantly suppressing her feelings, having no one to confide in, no one to trust but him. 'How could I have told him? Admitted my feelings, when we both knew that we could not act on them. I was the Captain he was the Commander. We both knew what that meant.' Then the realisation hit her. 'If Chakotay knew how I felt and he felt the same way about me, why did he leave?' Visions from the past flew through Kathryn's thoughts, everyday moments, their time on New Earth, the special times they had shared as friends on Voyager. Then there were those moments when they had stood on the verge, so close to going further, so close to love and completeness, a shared future... When one of them had taken a step back, rebuilt the barrier between them. 'That one was usually me,' Kathryn thought with tears beginning to well in her eyes. 'Always the Captain...' The dreams that had been tormenting her sleep began washing back over her. Shared romantic dinners with whispered conversations and discussions that lasted late into the night sitting close on the sofa. Just doing everyday tasks around the ship with him by her side. Naked bodies intertwined, hungry kisses trailing down her face and shoulders, the feeling of her arms around him, his skin under her fingers, passion in his eyes, the love, trust and commitment they could have shared. Looking down at wide-eyed children with dark wavy hair and that infectious smile grinning up at them, a shared achievement. This had all been within her. She could have had this all with him, but instead she had repeatedly turned her love away and in the end he had given up asking. Chakotay had become weary of the task of winning her over, had been rejected one time too many and had left. She was so used to him pursuing her that she had not even tried to stop him. The answer was so simple, when the last barrier between them had been removed she had failed to make any move, she had simply let him leave without a word. Kathryn took a deep breath and opened her eyes to again look at Michael.

"Why is this so important to you Michael?" Kathryn asked him suddenly curious to his motivations.

"Oh Katie, that is an easily answered question. Because I care about what happens to you my girl. Before I found out about who I truly was I thought that I loved you. In my way I do love you. I know now that you could never be happy, complete with me, but there is someone you love who can make you happy. There is a man out there who can complete you, the man you love, Chakotay! But the stubborn woman you are is holding back. Why Katie, why?" Michael earnestly asked the woman before him. "Why when happiness was so close in front of you did you turn away? Why did you let him just walk away? Walk away from you. Why aren't you chasing after him and the life you could have now?"

Kathryn stood silent for a moment.

"I don't know." She said softly shaking her head slightly from side-to-side. "I've just held back for so long... I always knew where I stood; the parameters were firmly in place. I knew that we could never cross that line. But now... I guess I'm scared." Kathryn admitted her eyes downcast seemingly studying the patterns on the carpet.

It was so ironic. The woman who had led the crew of Voyager as they forded the frontier into the unknown of the Delta Quadrant was scared. She was the one who had been so brave, had given of her strength to the crew of her ship, who made them believe that all things were possible. Now she was unable to take that first step towards her own happiness.

"But Katie," Michael said walking forward to again grasp Kathryn's hands in his own. "Do you love him? Do you?"

"Yes. I love him. With all my heart." Kathryn admitted looking Michael directly in the eye drawing strength from the warm grasp of her friend's hands.

"Then it is simple." Michael replied. "You have to find him and tell him so! Go to him Katie!"

"Admiral, Admiral Janeway. Admiral." The voice of the Doctor became more insistent. "Admiral?" Having no success the Doctor decided to return to the tried-and-true. "Captain, Captain wake up!"

Kathryn woke with a start at the insistent sound of the Doctor's voice calling her. Lifting her head from the desk Kathryn looked at the face of the Doctor and then quickly scanned the Conference Room but Michael was nowhere to be seen. The coffee, tea and breakfast Danishes had been placed on a small table on the opposite wall of the room. Kathryn let out a small groan. She must have fallen asleep. It had all been a dream an illusion...

"Are you all right Admiral?" the Doctor asked concerned at the sound of the groan he had just heard coming from his former Captain.

Kathryn was about to reassure the Doctor that everything was fine when she stopped. No, she was no longer 'just the Admiral'... The dream must have been her mind's way of finally getting through to her. After all the sleepless nights and indecision she finally knew what she had to do. The internal battle was over. Kathryn finally began to truly acknowledge what she had known all along. Now Kathryn knew what she had to do. She had to do what Michael said. She had to go find Chakotay. To finally tell him, to speak the words of what they had both known for so many years, but that she had been too scared to say – that she loved him. That her life was with him, her home, her family, her future...

"No Doctor actually I'm not alright. There is something I should have done a long time ago. It is all so simple... Could you make my apologies for the meeting please? I have to go now..." Kathryn said gathering her personal effects but leaving the pile of padds on the table.

The Doctor stared at his former Captain curiously, unsure of what to say. "Of course Admiral..." he faltered.

Unexpectedly the Admiral came up and embraced the startled Doctor. "Thank you," she whispered softly in his ear. Then Kathryn headed briskly out of the door shoulders squared a determined look on her face.

"Where are you going?" the somewhat bemused Doctor called after the retreating form of the departing Admiral Janeway.

"To find Chakotay..." Kathryn called back to her friend smiling as she disappeared down the corridor as the doors swished closed behind her...

The End of Within Chapter Two – So Simple.

_A/N: Stay tuned for Within Chapter Three – No Expectations where Kathryn goes to find Chakotay, hopefully coming soon. All comments most welcome._

_Remember to keep reaching for the stars._

_eScapefreak_


	3. No Expectations

Within

By: eScapefreak

Kathryn finds Chakotay...

Again thank you for all the encouraging reviews. Just a few notes I would like to make before I get started.

Due to the review of MistiWhiteSun I have changed my formatting technique slightly. Writing in shortened paragraphs and I have placed 'spoken' thoughts in italics. Tell me what you think. Is it easier to read than the previous chapters or the same?

I saw the episode 'Spirit Folk.' I must have missed it the first time I watched season six. It sort of changes my whole premise of Michael finding out he is a hologram. So I am adding an AU to my story description.

And lastly my promotion at work has finally come through and I will be moving and because of the change of job will be without Internet access until I buy a computer for my home. So please don't expect an update on this story until mid to late January to give me some time to adjust to my new surroundings.

Happy holidays everyone.

eScapefreak.

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I own heaps of Star Trek stuff but have no ownership over Voyager's intellectual property. Except for the things in my head I have no control over the characters or the show whatsoever. If I had, this story would not be necessary; they would have been together already! Star Trek: Voyager and its characters were created and controlled by others…

-V- -V- -V- -V- -V-

**Within**

Chapter Three: No Expectations.

Chakotay suddenly looked up to gaze unseeingly at the sun. Through the trees on the far ridge he gazed towards it sitting low on the horizon in the late afternoon sky. He had been alone out here, but…

Now she was here.

He could feel her presence. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her in the distance standing on the ridge watching him.

Chakotay allowed himself a small sad smile; he had always been able to sense when she was near. It was as if she were part of his spirit, that one piece that made him whole, complete. The part that made his heart rise and soar-up into the brilliant blue sky as light as a feather. But she also took his spirit to the deepest darkest drowning depths of despair, heartbreak and loss, forever sinking like a stone.

'_Kathryn.' _

'_How can you lose what you never truly had_?' Chakotay thought reticently to himself.

He did not look directly towards her. She was here but he was still alone.

He wondered why she had come. He had no expectations. No hope. He had given up on that long ago. Given up on her. Given up on love. He questioned if he had ever really had it. He once thought he did; but he knew now he was wrong.

Continuing to gaze towards the disappearing sun Chakotay thought back to that day six months ago…

-V- -V- -V- -V- -V-

As they made their triumphant flight back into the Alpha Quadrant Chakotay remembered standing there next to her on the bridge. Everyone had been smiling, laughing, happy. He was too, but for a slightly different reason than the others. Sure, he was as glad as the next crewmember to be back 'home' in the Alpha Quadrant.

But for Chakotay it was different.

For Chakotay the day held so much more. To him that day was the beginning of his future hope. It was the day when all of the parameters of his relationship with Kathryn would begin to change. It was the day when they could begin to become more than just Captain and Commander. The day his dreams would finally begin to become reality.

He was smiling so much his face was beginning to hurt. He remembered looking over and grinning at his Captain.

"Home." He had said looking deeply into her eyes.

But with that one word he meant more than a place; he was speaking of his life with her, where she could finally be free to be Kathryn, a place where they would never have to hold back. To him home was simply the place where she was Kathryn and he was Chakotay, no command structure, no Prime Directive, no need to worry about the greater good, simply two people. They had been travelling for seven years to reach it. But for Chakotay it had been beside him all along.

Kathryn smiled back at him. At the time he had thought he had seen the promise of his dreams fulfilled in the light shining from her eyes.

He was wrong.

-V- -V- -V- -V- -V-

"Oh Kathryn."Chakotay whispered softly to himself.

Almost wistfully he remembered those feelings of ecstatic expectation at the thought of having all of his dreams become reality. Of being on the verge of something so wonderful, the life he had imagined so many times over the years of the long journey 'home.' The feeling of finally being able to take that final beginning step forward rather than the many steps he had taken backward, apart from Kathryn over their long journey.

The temporary warmth and joy that filled his eyes faded as he also remembered the day barely five weeks later when he had finally realised and all of his dreams had been shattered.

His eyes once again clouded with pain…

-V- -V- -V- -V- -V-

It had surprised him but all of the bureaucracy surrounding Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant was over in a matter of weeks. Star Fleet had decided not to prosecute the Marquis element of Voyager's crew for the guerrilla war they had waged against the Cardassian's all of those years previously. Those who wished of the Marquis crew of Voyager were even offered the chance to retain the Star Fleet rank they had worked under all of those years in the Delta Quadrant. Even Captain Janeway's frequent 'bending' of the Prime Directive seemed to be receiving little or no reprimand from the Star Fleet head-brass.

This was above all of the expectations of the Voyager crew: a dream result - for everyone but Chakotay that is.

His dream was slowly being shattered.

Every day he waited for her and every day she failed to come.

In those first weeks he tried to keep up the traditions of their close relationship. Indeed they made several arrangements to share dinner together, but Kathryn always seemed to cancel on him at the last moment, always stating "Star Fleet Business" as the reason for her non-attendance. Other things seemed to take priority in her life.

At first he made excuses for her in his mind. There was a lot for her to do. He tried to rationalise her absence from his life. She was responsible for the actions of all of her crewmembers. Sure they still communicated, but hurried view screen hook-ups or quickly written notes did not match up to the constant interaction of being on Voyager together every day. Nor did they compare with the close relationship they shared as Captain and Commander. The weekly dinners they shared, sitting in their command chairs on the bridge or the private conferences they had in her Ready-room planning, strategizing or simply talking.

Then all of a sudden it seemed to all be over. The questions had stopped and everyone seemed to have begun their new lives back in their home Quadrant. She still had not come. Apart from official business he had not seen her at all. Had he been misreading the undercurrents of their relationship for all of these years? Surely she loved him as he did her; she wanted the life they could have together. Didn't she?

As the days moved on slowly he began to realise. She was not coming. She was never going to come. This dream was never going to come true. His keenest desire for all of these years, life and love with Kathryn was never going to be fulfilled.

But up until the last he still held a small grain of hope. He held the hope that she did love him the way he loved her and wanted as much as he to begin their lives together. And that soon she would somehow arrive on his doorstep ready for the beginning of forever.

Without Kathryn in his life Chakotay had no real connection to Earth and began making plans to leave. Soon the Earth media caught on to Chakotay's plans to lead a major anthropological expedition to the ruins of an ancient settlement on a small planet in the Bajoran system in the Gamma Quadrant. Public interest in the crew of Voyager was still high and the details of the expedition, including the date of its departure were widely publicised. Everyone wanted to know what the former Commander of Voyager was going to do next.

On the day the expedition was due to leave Chakotay was packed and ready to go early. It was five weeks to the day that the crew of Voyager had returned triumphant to the Alpha Quadrant after seven long years finding their way back. Five weeks since they had all returned 'home.' As he sat in the living room of his San Francisco apartment Chakotay realised he no longer had a 'home.' The only home he wanted was the one he could have with Kathryn. The word 'home' no longer had any meaning to him.

He remembered the last time he had seen her. It was only a few days ago at the ceremony where she had received her Admiral's rank bar. The official acknowledgement of all she had achieved as Captain of Voyager out in the wilds of the Delta Quadrant. He had watched her from across the room. As he watched he saw she was still the Captain he knew. Her gestures and expressions were familiar; he'd had to smile when he had seen her subtly fidgeting while looking so attentively at who ever was speaking as the long tedious speeches were given. At times he knew what she was going to say before she said it. She was still his Kathryn. But he knew now she never would be. The last he saw of her was when she was being whisked off to a private meeting of Star Fleet Admirals and she had shot him an apologetic glance as she had passed him on the way out the door. They had not spoken a word to each other all evening.

Chakotay rose from his seat on the sofa in his apartment and glanced over at the card she had sent him for the departure of his expedition.

"Good Luck.

Kathryn.

xx"

Was all it said. Slowly he walked over to it and held it in his hand. He hesitated for a moment and then slipped it into his bag.

"What am I waiting for?" he said frustrated.

He knew what he was waiting for. He was still waiting for her. He also knew she was not coming. He gathered his belongings and headed out the door. For a split second his determined stride faltered.

"Goodbye Kathryn." He whispered softly.

It was over. It had never really begun.

-V- -V- -V- -V- -V-

The sun was beginning to sink below the horizon and darkness was starting to envelope the valley as Chakotay turned to enter his cabin. Soon Kathryn would make her way down from the ridge top. Ever the obliging host, Chakotay knew what she would want after her long journey and began to prepare a pot of hot black coffee…

The End of Chapter Three – No Expectations.

_A/N: Stay tuned for Chapter Four – The World at Her Feet. Kathryn has found Chakotay and nothing can stop her dreams coming true, hopefully coming in mid to late January 2005. All comments most welcome._

_Remember to keep reaching for the stars._

_eScapefreak._


End file.
